Sunday, 20 May 2012


1. Kiss a Celebrity. If you can’t find one, anyone who’s ever tried out for Project Fame, Naija Sings or  The Next Movie Star counts!

2. Force your way uninvited into a VIP party. Repeat after every stuck-up Nigerian celeb, “‘Don’t you frigging know who I am?!”

3.  Fart in public! Dont destroy your breath valves by holding back a shameless force of nature. Let it out…and fast!
4. Force someone to read.

5. Enter for a pageant – do it just for the trips and hey, there are countless to choose from! Miss Nigeria, MBGN, Miss Commonwealth, Sisi Oge, Miss Delta Soap, Miss Olokun, Miss Motors (yes, you are reading right) and as for the brothers, don’t feel left out…Mr Nigeria, Face of World, Duke of Nigeria, Mr Heartland, Best Beach Body, Mr Bad Guy (dont ask) – and simply deliver a speech about World Peace. Isn’t that what this is all about, after all?

6. Get your Dream job. Yes. You. Can.

7. Learn all the words to WizKid’s “Hola at your bwoi”. Then go on a road trip in a convertible (borrow pose if you may) with your close friends and sing it at the top of your voice!

8. Get a piercing and a tattoo in one single whoop!

9. Have the confidence to say ”I love you” without having to hear it back!

10. Work your behind off to get a nomination at the prestigious The Future Awards. If no one is nominating you, do so yourself. If no one is voting, buy three Nokia torchlight phones and vote endlessly until Chude, Debola and The Future clan call you up to tell you to  take a chill pill!

11. Convince someone that you are really Mercy Johnson’s cousin and Don Jazzy’s schoolmate from wayyy back.
12. Perfect telling one joke. And make it a funny one.

13. Defy a dress code; Encomium White Gig? Wear bright vivacious red! Cupid’s Valentine Ball? Dress outrageously in clashing colors that would make Nkiru Anumudu purple with envy. The Future Awards? Ignore the touch, dash or sprinkle of green! And if you’re bounced at the gate, pretend to call someone important on your cell.

14. Stay up all night with your best friend watching back to back classic movies; I’m thinking Ghost, Dirty Dancing, 7 Lucky Kids, Splash, Police Academy, The Promise (I mean the Indian flick) and in that mix, Living in Bondage and Nneka the Pretty Serpent.

15. Spend 200k on something designer – because you’re worth it – and don’t be scared to let it outta the house.
16. Get a frigging BlackBerry. It sure does come in handy when you run into that celebrity crush at the Galleria, Palms or any fun hotspot. Ladies perfect your pout, and dudes? The tw0-fingered ”peace pose” will never run outta vogue. But hold up, it had better be a Bold 3 like mine (dusting shoulders and flicking back fake shredding extensions), a Torch or better still *coughs* The Empathy for picture clarity else you end up with a dark empty patch. That wanna-feel-familiar-moment-with-ur-fav-celeb comes just once!

17. Ask your boss for a raise.

18. Do something kind for someone else when there’s nothing in it for you.

19. It’s either you are naturally trusting or naturally suspicious. Drop the latter and totally TRUST someone with your love, your life and your new car.

20. Say YES to something that really scares you; from giving a speech, pole dancing at Caliente (guilty as charged *wink*), singing off-pitch-off-key-off-tune at the Karaoke Bar and perhaps taking a dive over 3rd Mainland.
21. Get your CV written by a professional.

22. Get a map of Nigeria, close your eyes and point to a place. Wherever your finger lands, book a holiday or a long weekend at a resort closest to the exotic sights and sounds.

23. Local or International destinations? Fly first class and order triple of what everyone else is having…after all, *in El Dee’s voice*, ”Is it your money?”‘

24. Kiss someone highly inappropriate.

25. And while you are at it, sleep with someone highly inappropriate too! *covering eyes*

26. Protest with a Placard and everything about something you feel passionately about. “Enough is Enough!”  *clears throat* don’t forget your sunscreen for our sweet hot scorching sun.

27. Neither HAIR nor there! Have a drastic hairdo and haircut and no, a couple of inches off the bottom doesn’t count!

28. Away with Hi5! Take a hike MySpace! Boring old Facebook! Twitter, yes get a twitter account and while you are at it, start your own blog. Someone’s gotta give other apt bloggers some serious competition!

29. Watch five Funke Akindele movies in a row namely Jenifa 1 and 2 (We’ve all seen it, I know, but it won’t hurt to watch again), The Return of Jenifa and Omo Ghetto 1 and 2… I defy you not to laugh!

30.Visit a TV set or a film location. Lemme see, I vote for Tinsel, Super Story, Fuji House of Commotion and maybe an Emem Isong flick.

31. Learn at least 10 Chinese words.

32. Spend an entire weekend club-trotting in Abuja.

33.  Discover the reason your parents are so irritating is because they love you so so so so much!

34. Conjure up any random mobile number outta your brain cells and call the person. Pretend to be a porn director who wants a Visa to Serbia and Montenegro for a ritual kissing spree.

35. Visit Rio De Janeiro during the carnival and do some crazy dancing wearing absolutely nothing. *no one would recognize you, trust me*

36. Call your family just to tell them that you love them.

37. Own a pair of aggressive footwear. Buy a pair of killer shoes that you can’t even walk in, and as for the Chairmen, buy the studded pair of Louboutins that will pay my salary till 2013! Reconsidering? Just splurge! What about a pair of 10 inch punk rock Gladiator platforms? *I see someone throwing me five wide fingers – WAKA*

38. Dress like you are headed to the Grammys every minute of your life! In the house, bathroom, toilet, even to buy pure water down the road…You never can tell when the fashion police might spring an arrest on ya!

39. Visit Yaba Psychiatric Hospital to catch up on old times with your former colleagues.

40. Hustle to feature in a music video and do it my way; don’t be in a crowd scene, be at the forefront and steal the spotlight – even from the artist if you can

Thanks for reading

ff me on twitter @sir_opeyemi